Yes, yet again I have shed public tears. I was an intern on my first call on medicine wards. In hour 27 of a 30 hr call I had to call a cardiology consult on a patient. The patient was in his mid 50's with metastatic cancer essentially everywhere, he was aware, and after this admission In which he was found to have dic he was ready for hospice. To this day I am not sure what our question was for cardiology, but given his medical hx we were unclear if the ekg changes we saw were merely from demand ischemia. Or if they were something we should act on. I was just one phone call away from getting to go home and sleep. I was tired, uncertain of myself, and vulnerable. So I paged and awaited the call back. Little did I know that I was not paging a fellow resident but rather the attending. Right away before I could even present my case he ripped on me, telling me that I was paging the attending and that I needed to know that and god know wat else. I finally was able to proceed and tell him about the case. He again was upset and questioned my consult, repeatedly asking me why I was asking for the consult. I replied that my attending had requested it. To which he responded. - your the physician caring for the patient you should know why you are calling this consult. I attempted to explain again. And again he kept asking why? At this point I was at a loss, I could feel my throat closing and my chest tightening, I couldn't speak, I just kept quiet. " are you still there? Answe me I am the attending!" he said. "I don't know," I choked out. "are you crying?l. "no," I lied. He moderately softened and disgruntled accepted the consult not before again lecturing me on the importance of knowing the consult question and taking responsibility for my patient. By this point I couldn't speak and was choking back large sobs. And of course all parties in the work room could hear and could see and hear me sobbing. And once I start it's hard for me to stop, my whole body convulsing in an effort to choke back tears, to appear strong, but ultimately look sad and hopelessly weak. My senior tried to console me and told me that that attending was notoriously mean and that I should talk to the medicine coordinator to report my mistreatment. One of the other seniors who now is actually a chief later told me he spoke to that attending whom told him that he felt very bad for what had happened and apologized. Too little to late Ofcourse as by that time I was embarrassed for one crying in the work room, crying to an attending, and for being made to feel like a complete and total idiot. A feeling that as an intern I was already trying so hard to suppress and deny. And make my self believe in myself and my knowledge. I was mortified and terrified of ever calling or running into that man in the hospital. I came home and cried and cried. My bf consoling me, and yes angry at that man but also angry with me for not standing up for myself and letting that man make me feel so bad, his belief that no one can make you feel some way and that how you feel is up to you. In theory a nice idea but oh so difficult, especially when it feeds iinto a feeling that you already have about yourself. I never did seek recourse and go to the medicine director.
There is no excuse for that attending behavior. And it also serves as a reminder to us when we are on either end of a consult, whether we aree the consultant or the consultee, to be patient and respectful, take the opportunity to educate and remember we are all on the same team- with the common goal of helping people. And that we don't know everything. Regardless of how tired we are or overworked that is no excuse to take it out on our colleagues.
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