angry surgeons

Most people either love or hate surgery. These people are so busy that they don'' have time to have lives outside of the hospital. My first day of peds surgery I was told to show up at this vague computer and find the "list " of patients. The team consisted of myself, R3 and the surgeon, who we only saw on the day of surgery. Once I found the list i was to update it with vitals, labs, and new info for each patient. I couldn't find the computer. I tried calling the previous med student to find out but she was not answering. I asked the nursed and they had no idea what I was talking about. I found a computer with a paper list next to it from earlier in the week with the names of patients. So I went ahead and used that one. A half and hour passed and my resident still wasn't there. So i just kept reading my review book. I didn't' want to page him as I know a lot of times the residents show up late. Finally he came in red faced and angry. "What have you been doing this whole time? I've been calling you." "Reading, I updated the old list. I couldn't find the computer." "SO you've just been sitting here? Why didn't' you ask, see all these nurses here, you have to ask? Keep looking around? I already filled out the list for today. " That was our first encounter. Then i had to follow him around and help him with each patients note. I felt like crying. I felt like melting away. I tried not to make peep so as not to make him more mad. I felt so incompetent. Felt so small. I looked for every way that I could help to make up for the time i had wasted him. All day i was on my toes. Replaying the moment in my mind. I even stayed extra late that day to do an H and P on a patient to help him out. He didn't yell at me again but he certainly wasn't very nice. The next day he semi apologized for yelling at me, and in good med student form i said, "oh i guess i deserved it. I should have been more proactive." Even though in my mind I thought you bastard! It was my first day how was i supposed to know, huh? and I'm a med student not ur intern, interns do all the stuff you are asking gme to do. But that's how it is, you put ur best face forward and just suck it up, especially on surgery.

here's looking at you kid

I'm not sure if every young doctor experiences this sort of thing, but I certainly do, mainly because I'm petite and have young face i guess. I recently interviewed a patient who is 71 years old, lives in a motor home, alone, and eats once a day at the salvation army. He suffered a stroke about three years ago and since then has weakness on his left side as well as short term memory loss. He said he was luck that he was even at the appointment since he usually can't remember. This man was clearly frustrated at the world, at his situation, at life. He was pissed at his brothers for not supporting him even though he had for them. And I think he even had pissed himself, in reality. Maybe there is no shower in his mobile home. maybe he couldn't remember to change his clothes? regardless he was a grumpy old man to say the least. I tried to do a SIGECAPS assesment for depression. I got to suicadility and he said, "Listen carefully before you start writing any of this down. I want to die. I'm dying means I will be in heaven and not here then I want to die. I still take my pills, excercise, watch my weight and do as I am told, but I want to die." I comisserated with his sentiment and told him I didn't blame him for being pissed off and grumpy, not in those words of course. I asked him what we could do for him, physical therapy? counseling? start an antidepressant? All of which he turned down, and said, "Thanks for trying, sweetie." and Pinched my cheek the way my uncle would. He pinched my fatty little cheeks. He went into my space. I wasn't mad but I did feel belittled. For a second I thought i was sitting with my grandpa and not as a doctor sitting with her patient. I know he didn't mean anything by it but it was a strange feeling. As physicians we frequently push our hands into the space of others but remain untouched ourselves, with an imaginary shield that protects our space. When my shield was broken I felt strange.